The Rarely Talked About Keys to Good Sex
Sex, let’s talk about sex. Lovemaking. The exchange of energy between two people.
Even more specifically? Let’s talk about how to do it. And no, we are not going to share with you the dirt on “our favorite positions” (cosmo can share those with you), but instead, we are going to give you a bit more depth.
The true essence of sex, and what will bring you the good sex you are looking to have. The emotional, spiritual, and physically passionate sex you are looking to experience. And lastly, the ability to connect with a sexual partner on the intimate level that you are looking to connect on.
First, to mention the elephant in the room, sex is one of the most personal words (and actions) out there. We’d even take a wild guess that most people would choose to chat over bathroom habits + personal finances, rather than talking openly about sex.
And what makes it even more tricky, is that the definition of sex is different for everyone. Every partner is coming to the table with different ideas and personal definitions/desires for sex. The fun in that? Is that you get to learn and experience someone else's definitions/desires, and bring what you want from it into your own personal definitions/desires. As well as share your own with them!
Much of one's definitions + desires of sex, depends on traditional values, level of expression + intimacy with self, and/or family dynamic growing up.
So, how do you begin to TRULY look at sex and what it is for you personally? Without outside opinions, thoughts, or decisions - and instead, truly define it for your own individual self?
Well, that is done the same way every other “kick in the a**” reflection is done - by getting uncomfortable. The only way to define anything for yourself is by experiencing it first-hand and then deciding what you want to make of it based on your experience.
And how exactly do you experience playing with the definition of sex first hand? A few ways. We don’t promise them to be the most comfortable ways, but we do promise them to be the most valuable.
By asking yourself the hard questions + knowing (and admitting to) what you want
Asking uncomfortable questions and even more importantly, ANSWERING those questions with 100% honesty, is so important and so rewarding. For example - “how is my sex life?, or how have my past experiences of sex ACTUALLY been? Do I emotionally feel good or bad after sex?”
Also ask WHAT you really want during sex! You get to have what you want to experience, but you can’t experience it without first knowing what it is you want. Think about it -
What if you truly let go and wrote out what you want to feel during sex? How do you want to feel supported and loved during sex? How do you want to EXPRESS yourself during sex? Have you thought about these things?
Again, you CAN have it - you can have anything you want. But you can’t have it, without first knowing what you want. Take some time to reflect on any of the below questions that resonate with you:
What you want out of sex
What you want the action of sex to be for you
Who your ideal partner for sex is
What you want to feel during sex emotionally
What you want to feel during sex physically
What you want to try during sex
How you want to express yourself during sex
How you want to be seen by a partner during sex
By allowing yourself to discover new versions of you
This one can go outside of just the act of sex - this one is everyday life. How “boxed in” are you making yourself? Have you evolved over time, or tapped into areas of yourself that you potentially never knew could exist? That you may be curious about but haven’t allowed yourself to “try on” before?
Growing is important for sex. Evolution is important for sex. Because, well, sex with a dynamic person is great. Sex with a person who really has explored themself is great. And if you are that dynamic person + that person who has explored themselves, then you can confidently experiment with sex because you aren’t afraid to see an un-tapped version of yourself. You also aren’t afraid to tap into those versions with someone else watching.
And being a little wild with that discovery…
Well, come on. What is better than being able to have the answer key to a test? YOU are the test, and the person you are sexually intimate with is the student. They are learning you, learning your body, learning your desires.
And what is this “answer key” exactly? Well, it’s the library of answers to your own sexual desires. What feels good, where it feels good, and why you like it. What turns you on and what leaves you feeling filled with pleasure.
By you having your own answer key to “the test”, you are able to:
GUIDE a partner in ways that may bring you to places you may not have found for yourself, but they were able to explore based on the “answers” you already have been able to find for yourself.
GUIDE a partner in ways that will allow for actual pleasure, rather than “false” pleasure that leaves you feeling inauthentic.
FEEL real connection with a partner, because you won’t allow yourself to go into a place or be put in a situation of inauthentic sex/intimacy.
GUIDE you to a place of confidence and power sexually. By knowing your body, you will be comfortable with someone else getting to know your body.
By opening ourselves up to being vulnerable
There is no other way to dive in, other than just diving in. By taking our hands off the wheel, and trusting others with our hearts. We do this by truly and authentically jumping - knowing that we can get our hearts broken, that we can end up disappointed… but we ALSO can end in joy. In love. Or, just with a lot of really great experiences to put into our back pockets.
We allow ourselves to play and experiment without fear of embarrassment or the unknown. Because, well, the action of experimentation can bring unknown. And that? That is exciting.
By finding your wild
This one was already semi-touched on, but we will re-iterate it a little bit. Find your wild. Allow yourself to tap into YOU intimately, without needing to discover your intimate self by accessing it through someone else. Allow yourself to have the power of knowing you, your body, your intimate YOU because that will bring you so much more than just a good sex life.
Some ways to find your wild? Find out what your body feels like in the shower. Your shoulders, your arms, your feet, your hair - really get to know it.
Tap into what types of noises you can make. Play with this in the car, in your bedroom, wherever you feel safe enough to make “awkward” noises that you have not ever heard yourself make. Or even knew that you could make. They don’t have to be “sexy” sounds, but the act alone of just using your voice is allowing you to tap into your wild. To your playful you.
Tap into “how sexy” you can be. Play with this in front of your bathroom mirror, or alone in your room. Move your body around in ways that feel beautiful, feel sexy. Roll around on your bed or floor in ways that feel sexy. Play, play, play. Again, these are all acts of really learning how to be comfortable with yourself. How to e x p r e s s yourself.
Because the more you play, the less seriously you take life. The less seriously you take life, the more open to pleasure you can be. The more open to pleasure you can be, the more possibility you have of fully and authentically experiencing what sex is for YOU and how YOU want to define it for yourself + experience it in this life.
So, go play.
Go allow sex to be what YOU want it to be, without judgment from others. Without judgment from yourself, and without fear of judgment from your partner. Because sex is personal, and it’s your business and your business only. You get to decide how you experience it, who you experience it with, and what you make it to be for yourself.
But if you take one thing from this article - always remember that if you want to have good sex, you must know yourself.
You must allow yourself to open up to the most authentic you. Because, well, then you can show up for your partner. And together… you can have an intimate experience of passion, love, and fun… which is what sex is here to be. A portal to someone else's soul, to experience life along with another human. To get lost and deeply connect with another human. And to do that, you need to open yourself up.
Aside from sex, in order to live a passionately authentic and fulfilling life, you need to open yourself up.
So live openly, live authentically, and live how you want with out judgement.